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A list of things that will make me sound like a crazy person

I have had a very interesting few days. Days where I have had to think about the crazy person I have become recently. Today I literally *almost* flipped out in the produce section of Wegman’s because I couldn’t find my pen in my purse to cross things off my grocery list. Just when I was about to flip out, I decided to look around and see how many people I would have just embarrassed myself in front of had I flipped out. And then while wandering the grocery store, I thought up this insane list of other weird things I do. 1 really should be, blogs in her head in grocery stores. But it’s not because there are crazier things.

1. When I go to Starbucks,  I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order so much so that I generally just order a mocha. One word. Super easy. But when I lived in Ellicott City with a drive thru Starbucks, I would spend the entire time in line saying my order on repeat.  But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a robot. (Because yes, that’s a serious concern I have- people mistaking me for a robot). “Venti, non-fat, no whip, white hot chocolate, Venti, non-fat, no whip, white hot chocolate. Why yes, it IS cold out today. Oh, you like my hair? Thank you! What would I like? Oh that’s easy, Venti, non-fat, no whip, white hot chocolate”.

2. Not only do I practice my order – I routinely practice conversations with people who will only end up saying ” That’s $4.04- have a nice day” to me. They do not compliment me in any way. Super annoying.

4. If wearing a white shirt and eating spaghetti, I sometimes give myself a pep talk beforehand. Ie: ” I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.“. As in, I can eat a meal without it getting on my shirt. I’ve yet to achieve this goal. Is it just me or does the chance of food falling significantly increase if a) wearing white b) wearing your  favorite shirt or c) trying to impress someone?). Frank always ends up saying “I can’t take you anywhere.”

5. I will do a personality quiz over and over until I get the result I want. And then I will act completely surprised that I got what I wanted. (Note: I never end up being labeled “someone who manipulates quizzes to get the desired result because they have an enormous ego”. Thankfully. That would be bizarre).

6.  I cannot have more than 20 emails in my inbox at once. Any more and I succumb to a nuclear meltdown and end up lying on the floor, breathing into a paper bag willing myself to rest my wary and exploding head. Emails have to be immediately responded to, archived or deleted. I have no idea when this habit started of being a 20 emails only freak- or why it’s 20 and not 30 or 50 (just typing 50 made me shudder), but it’s 20. On the plus side, if I tell someone “hey, your email? STILL IN MY INBOX!” it’s one of the biggest compliments I can give. Unfortunately, people don’t know that I only keep 20 in there and consider me a tool for letting them know that I have kept their email. Sad face.

7. If people say they don’t like “New Girl”, I just assume they are confusing it with another show. I really, honestly cannot comprehend someone not liking that show. Such an event is just… nope, I can’t stretch my brain around it.

8. Speaking of television, I miss the show “Felicity” in big and important ways that make my 28 year old self feel ashamed.

9. If someone hurts my feelings, I’m not a yeller. Or fighter, really. I just… stop talking. And I can’t look at them. I turn into a submissive, mumbling, avoider. But if someone hurts my friends feelings? I will stomp on you. And your soul. And your mamma.

10. I have yet to finish reading a beauty magazine and feel BETTER about myself, yet every month I wait dutifully for new magazines to come out so I can take them home, caress their pages and feel as though my life is incomplete because I don’t own a skirt that costs more than my car. And university education.

11. I have probably 40 pairs of earrings. 20 bottles of nail polish. The most complex hair wand in the world. And everyday I wear the same earrings, with clear nails and straight hair. (I blame my need to purchase these items directly on #10)

12. I don’t get the cupcake craze. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like cupcakes. (What’s not to like? Icing? Cake? Sprinkles? Sign me up!) But there’s this.. intensity around cupcakes that I don’t quite follow. If a cupcake is around, sure- I’ll eat it, but I’d always rather have sour patch watermelon candy. Or just…cake.

15. Every. Single. Time. I hit “publish”, I have an irrational fear that no one will read my post. I’m not worried about comments, I just has this moment of panic where I think “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND NAMED RYAN REYNOLDS! WHAT IF NO ONE STUMBLES ON MY BLOG AND READS MY DEEP THOUGHTS REGARDING NON-FAT, NO WHIP HOT CHOCOLATE? WILL MY LIFE HAVE MEANING? HOW WILL I DEFINE MYSELF? WHERE WILL MY SOUL GO WHEN I DIE?”.

And yes, I’m sorry for all the CAPS ATTACK but it was necessary today.

  • January 14, 2014 - 11:08 am

    Amy - They charge you $4.04 for a white hot chocolate? That’s outrageous. Also, you should watch The Mindy Project 🙂

  • January 14, 2014 - 11:12 am

    Lizzy - I like you!

  • January 14, 2014 - 4:46 pm

    Jaime - Cray cray for sure! Kidding! I hate not finding a pen in my purse too especially when I know I put that sucker in there!

  • January 15, 2014 - 6:06 am

    Brea - Oh hey! I just now saw this. And this is why we’re legit friends. #5 #7 and #12 could have been written word for word by me. Cupcakes are cool and all, but… yeah. I’m with you there.

    As for #15 you can always count on me to read your blogs! Eventually. lol

  • January 15, 2014 - 10:26 am

    Danielle - I love this, and I love you! When I go to restaurants, I can’t close my menu until I order. I am completely terrified that I will forget my order, say it wrong, something. Or if I do close my menu, I have to open it in order to read directly from it. I know exactly what I want, and even if I’ve ordered it a million times I still need to have my menu open. Bananas.

  • January 16, 2014 - 7:41 pm

    Emily - Hahaaa these made me laugh. And love you even more.

  • January 17, 2014 - 1:37 pm

    Liz - I JUST started watching New Girl this week. I watched the whole first season like it was my job. I am in love.

  • January 21, 2014 - 9:12 pm

    Miriam Schwartz - OH. MY. GOSH. i am literally laughing my head off reading this. i can relate to many of the things you wrote and I wonder….does that make us both crazy or both “normal”?? 😉 thanks for this hilarious post…. off to watch new girl as soon as the kids are in la la land! 😉

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